I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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