my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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