My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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