I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
