I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
