Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
