I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
