Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
