dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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