my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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