Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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