if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
