Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
