you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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