i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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