uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
