my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
