But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
