I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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