I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
