Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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