literally had 100 drinks last night.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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