What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Did I show you my penis last night?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
