I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We got so high we made milksteak
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
