I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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