He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
