Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
