I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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