I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
