mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
