Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
