The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
