I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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