the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
