she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
