just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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