Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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