I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
