I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
