Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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