meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
MIDGETS
????
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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