i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
