apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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