Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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