Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Shame - the story of my life.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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