I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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