my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
