I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
