Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
