life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
